Is there stuff you're not allowing yourself to know?
You know, the stuff you're most afraid to reveal about yourself.
You know, the stuff that's in the back of your head, or deep down in your gut, but you're not giving a chance to breathe or express.
You know, the stuff you just keep suppressing down and down...
Maybe it relates to your art. Or your job. Or your partner. Or where you live.
It's the stuff you know you must do, but you're not quite admitting to yourself. That stuff.
It's the stuff you're not allowing yourself to know.
At a recent workshop I attended with writers Liz Gilbert and Cheryl Strayed, Liz practically screamed at us, slicing her hand through the air.
"Start knowing," she kept saying, over and over again. "Cut the bullshit. And START F*CKING KNOWING."
What she meant is knowing is a choice we have and get to make. Right now.
These words were exactly what I needed to hear to wake up, and bring to the surface what I've been afraid to admit and share.
Here it is:
1. Lately, I've been feeling lonely. I haven't been alone, as I'm with people all the time. It's a feeling... a feeling of non-belonging that relates to my story of immigration and feeling displaced my entire life. Sometimes, I go into numbing behaviors around this loneliness, like reaching for social media, food, or texting a bunch of people as a way to feel reassured that I'm not lonely. I've been seeing this loneliness as fuel for my book, as fresh territory that's emerging to explore within myself. But it sure ain't comfortable.
2. I've been holding back my power. You may look at me and think that I seem very powerful: writing and blogging, podcasting, coaching... But this is only a toenail of the power I have stored up inside of me. I've been afraid of really letting it out all the way, because of the point I made above. I still believe that if I am truly powerful, I will alienate myself from others. I've been afraid to stand alone, but it's required of any great artist.
3. It's time to write my story. For a long time, I thought writing one's story was very selfish. My inner critic told me it was narcissistic and navel-gazing. But now I'm beginning to see it as the most powerful tool in the world, because like your worth, nobody can take it away from you. And nobody will have one exactly like yours. So, I've decided to include (and even highlight, maybe even centralize) my story in my upcoming book about good girl programming. I can't tell you how liberating this feels.
Dang, that was harder than I thought! Thanks for reading.
So, now your turn, what's the stuff you're not allowing yourself to know.
Is it time to leave that relationship? Is it time to commit to your calling? Is it time to change companies? Is it time to write the song? Is it time to write your story?
I'm here and listening.
Remember, shame can't live in the light.
"You think a storm happened to you. You're wrong. You are the f*ckin' storm." ~ Liz Gilbert to Cheryl Strayed.